What If...

If I were to write an album, a music album what would I want it to be about? What songs would be included, what would the name of the album be, the cover art, the song titles and themes of the songs... what sound would it have?

I would want a song to be something of an homage to Seattle, and perhaps Colorado. I would want this song to be fun, upbeat and light. Simply and catchy with lyrics that play with each other and have duel meanings.

I would want to have a song about my experiences in college and in CO. Perhaps a party anthem, something with a simple sound and catchy hook. Lyrics that compliment the music without bringing actual focus to either and a chorus that is mostly repetitive.

I would want to have a song about who I want to be. Everything that I am not but would like to be. Perhaps discussing people I admire as well as general traits that should be in the person that I want to turn into.

I would want a song to discuss my opinions. Where I see America, the world and the interactions between. What I think of pop culture and what I feel needs to be done to fix it.

Thus far this blog has been shallow. No. Not "shallow." This posting has been different. It has reflected me in a different way than my previous posts have. This is not to say that one is better than the other, but rather that both are accurate and insightful in their own ways. I am grateful to have a place to write my thoughts, however silly they may seem and however long my rambles may go, I have place to put it all down. Not even necessarily to read later but rather just as a place to let things out from my head. I used to think that the only reason to write was to have your writings read. Either you would write for others or for yourself, but even when writing for yourself it was so you could later read it. I have had a number of other blog-like accounts. Places where I have gone to write my thoughts. Usually these have been public and have been made available to anyone to read. This of course limits what I write. Knowing that the person you are writing about may read what you've written affects what you write and how you write. This blog is not for others to read. This blog is not even for me to read. Not to say I am forbidden from it. I know myself well enough to know that I have little desire to re-read it. Rarely if ever have I looked back on my old writings with pride. Usually I feel ashamed at how silly I was. How obsessed I was with different things. I critique my thoughts and actions. So with this blog I write not for my future-self but for my present self. For the me that is here right now with things on his mind. I write to release them from my head. To open up my noodle and release the pressure of concerns and thoughts that build up. In the hopes that This site will sift out my thoughts. Those worth keeping will bounce back to me cleaner and more well laid out than before. The thoughts that were useless and trite will fall on this screen. Will become ones and zeros that are transmitted across wires onto a server's hard-drive where they will be written and then forgotten about. Compressed and stored to most likely never be accessed again. A minimal waste and one I greatly prefer to those same thoughts festering on my brain.

I am not a student.

I don't know what I want to be, but I have not found anything that I enjoy enough to force myself to endure being a student.

Someone to open up to

Being open is hard. i've heard people say that the secret to a relationship is keeping at least 3 things secret every day. others suggest complete openness. The openness i'm speaking of though, it having someone who i can talk to and not feel guilty for talking as opposed to listening. someone who i want to tell things to in a very specific way as opposed to using generalizations or abstract ideas to mask the cause of the issues on my mind.

i just made a long post. I want to write on this topic, but not as much as i want to simply not write anything at the moment. i've done enough blogs/journals to know that i will most likely say "i'll finish this later" and then never come back to it that i am concerned with never actually filling out my thoughts here. I will still leave because i hope that my having pointed all of this out will in fact help remind me to come back and address this blog. i've got enough other crap on my mind that it may get lost up in there, it may be something i focus on so as to better ignore other things... i don't know. we'll see

Specific Events of the the Present

It has been awhile since i've written here. There are some things to update many of which i feel i will have forgotten before i am finished and thus will be lost as so many other thoughts are. Some of these thoughts deal with very immediate and tangible events, others are more abstract and idea-like. These two types of thoughts inter-weave between each other that it can often be hard to distinguish the difference(s). The first thing that brings me to this blog is recent events involving Aryn Blase. I have known this woman well over a decade now. I have always found her attractive both physically as well as personally. She and i have maintained a very flirty relationship. Her most recent boyfriend, Sam was when this truly came to fruition. She and I have kissed previously but fairly chaste and both of us were single. On her birthday I took her out to dinner, and at the end of the night, in the apartment that she and he shared we kissed passionately. It was short lived as both of us knew it was wrong, but we did. We stopped kissing seconds before Sam came in. He came in and she jumped up and greeted him with a kiss. I do not believe i have ever been so internally upset at seeing a woman kiss a man as i was right then. I made my exit and to the best of my knowledge he does not know of what occurred. This event is significant because it paints that there is a mutual attraction between aryn and myself. One that would allow us to violate rules we know we ought not. Since then our flirty relationship has become increasingly physical. Last night, April 2nd 2011 I spent almost all afternoon, evening and night with aryn. We drank, we had fun, she met some of my friends. Over the course of our conversations throughout the day she told me of a guy she had met. Sloan. She had fallen for him. Hard. It came up that marriage was being considered and i asked her what her answer would be if he proposed... she said that she would say "yes." that bit. At the end of the night i took aryn home (this is at roughly 6am). We kissed and then while lying on her bed we proceeded to talk. During this talk i told her that i was in love with her. I told her that we should be together. I told her i know her heart is elsewhere and that though i may not like it, i understand it. I also told her that i'm done being her friend. I told her that i can make her happy. I told her that it tears me up seeing her with other guys or hearing about it. To end the conversation i told her to not text or call me unless it was because she was getting married or she was ready to give "us" a shot. we hugged. we kissed. i left. The majority of me feels as though i made the right decision. part of me regrets it, but i think it regrets the turning down the attention she gave rather than anything deeper. because though it was usually just making out and innocent flirting, i enjoyed having that. i have now cut myself off from that because it's not enough, and it isn't. i will miss that but i want and need more than that, and i have no right to ask for more if i can sit contentedly with less. so all-in-all i feel this was a big step forward. the second one in the last year (the first was telling rachel boykin that i didn't feel as though we had any reason to talk ever again).

I will, and do miss what i had with aryn, both as a friend and also as a physical outlet for my desire for attention. She knew me pretty well. She liked to think she knew me better than she did, but i am willing to let her think that. It may sound arrogant but i can't help but think that one day, sooner than later she will call me. Her call will be because she thinks we should try what we have... I honestly, even now, don't know what i will say to that. If she were to call tonight i don't know what i would say. I want to. I firmly believe she and i would be really good together. I also worry about things. I worry about things about her as well as about myself. I know i have many many issues that need to be resolved, but i feel i have them under control enough and that i have made enough progress with them that i can begin to work on finding someone to be with.

My concerns with her involve her sesxual history amongst other things. No woman wants to think of her self as easy, as a slut, a tease or as the type of girl that "gets around." the fact that i'm learning is that so many women are/do. Perhaps my standards are unreasonably high on that count, but i have had sex with two women. Aryn i know has had sex with at least half a dozen, and i'm guessing the number is higher than that. It is not by her choice that she and i have not slept together. My friend from CO, kayla, she and i almost slept together, and i wouldn't have been her first, and i have very strong reason to believe that she had sex with adam while i was asleep in the room on our last trip. This paints an image of her that i don't really like. Jenn Stoudt, married to a good friend of mine, she went through a phase where she was incredibly sexually active. She has her own number. Carolyn, not a huge surprise but she gets incredibly defensive about her number. More to the point of my image of aryn... i kissed her while she was dating another guy. i wouldn't want to be the guy she's dating while she's kissing other dudes. we always toned down our flirty ways when the boyfriend was around, but that suggests that we knew we shouldn't act like that. we justified it by saying it would just make him uncomfortable and as long as nothing came of our flirting then there's no reason we should stop nor should we tell him and make it harder for us to hang out. as i think about it now, i believe my reasoning was that i enjoyed it, even knowing it was wrong and not the way i should treat a woman with a boyfriend. the reason i hid it was not to keep him from being uncomfortable but rather to ensure that i would be able to have time alone with her to continue flirting and receiving that type of attention. aryn has a lot of male friends, and trust is important in any relationship, it would be especially so in one with her and i. i don't want to think of myself as jealous but i can be. i try and not show it even when i am, and most of the time i do a decent job of it... but i think aryn catches on more than most. not all of the time by any means... but more than most.

i think about her, often. i want to support her in everything she is and has done and will do. but i can't continue to be happy with half. i deserve a woman who's willing to commit to me what i'm willing to commit to her. right now i feel as if i'm finally ready to commit 100%. i enjoy video games, movies and beer and sports. i hope to find a woman who enjoys similar things. I do not intend to change who i am, but i am willing to curb my use and involvement in all of the above listed items for the right person.

i wonder if aryn was the right person and i just threw that all away

i wonder if aryn is the right person and i'm finally man enough to be the right person for her.

i hearby promise myself to stick to this action. I will not reach out and contact her. if there is to be any communication between me and her it will be initiated by her. i will not go back to being what we have been, either she and i give a legitimate shot to being together or we don't. if we try and don't work out, i can be a friend, but until we try i no longer consider her a friend.