If I were to write an album, a music album what would I want it to be about? What songs would be included, what would the name of the album be, the cover art, the song titles and themes of the songs... what sound would it have?
I would want a song to be something of an homage to Seattle, and perhaps Colorado. I would want this song to be fun, upbeat and light. Simply and catchy with lyrics that play with each other and have duel meanings.
I would want to have a song about my experiences in college and in CO. Perhaps a party anthem, something with a simple sound and catchy hook. Lyrics that compliment the music without bringing actual focus to either and a chorus that is mostly repetitive.
I would want to have a song about who I want to be. Everything that I am not but would like to be. Perhaps discussing people I admire as well as general traits that should be in the person that I want to turn into.
I would want a song to discuss my opinions. Where I see America, the world and the interactions between. What I think of pop culture and what I feel needs to be done to fix it.
Thus far this blog has been shallow. No. Not "shallow." This posting has been different. It has reflected me in a different way than my previous posts have. This is not to say that one is better than the other, but rather that both are accurate and insightful in their own ways. I am grateful to have a place to write my thoughts, however silly they may seem and however long my rambles may go, I have place to put it all down. Not even necessarily to read later but rather just as a place to let things out from my head. I used to think that the only reason to write was to have your writings read. Either you would write for others or for yourself, but even when writing for yourself it was so you could later read it. I have had a number of other blog-like accounts. Places where I have gone to write my thoughts. Usually these have been public and have been made available to anyone to read. This of course limits what I write. Knowing that the person you are writing about may read what you've written affects what you write and how you write. This blog is not for others to read. This blog is not even for me to read. Not to say I am forbidden from it. I know myself well enough to know that I have little desire to re-read it. Rarely if ever have I looked back on my old writings with pride. Usually I feel ashamed at how silly I was. How obsessed I was with different things. I critique my thoughts and actions. So with this blog I write not for my future-self but for my present self. For the me that is here right now with things on his mind. I write to release them from my head. To open up my noodle and release the pressure of concerns and thoughts that build up. In the hopes that This site will sift out my thoughts. Those worth keeping will bounce back to me cleaner and more well laid out than before. The thoughts that were useless and trite will fall on this screen. Will become ones and zeros that are transmitted across wires onto a server's hard-drive where they will be written and then forgotten about. Compressed and stored to most likely never be accessed again. A minimal waste and one I greatly prefer to those same thoughts festering on my brain.
I am not a student.
I don't know what I want to be, but I have not found anything that I enjoy enough to force myself to endure being a student.
Sunday, April 17, 2011
Sunday, April 3, 2011
Someone to open up to
Being open is hard. i've heard people say that the secret to a relationship is keeping at least 3 things secret every day. others suggest complete openness. The openness i'm speaking of though, it having someone who i can talk to and not feel guilty for talking as opposed to listening. someone who i want to tell things to in a very specific way as opposed to using generalizations or abstract ideas to mask the cause of the issues on my mind.
i just made a long post. I want to write on this topic, but not as much as i want to simply not write anything at the moment. i've done enough blogs/journals to know that i will most likely say "i'll finish this later" and then never come back to it that i am concerned with never actually filling out my thoughts here. I will still leave because i hope that my having pointed all of this out will in fact help remind me to come back and address this blog. i've got enough other crap on my mind that it may get lost up in there, it may be something i focus on so as to better ignore other things... i don't know. we'll see
i just made a long post. I want to write on this topic, but not as much as i want to simply not write anything at the moment. i've done enough blogs/journals to know that i will most likely say "i'll finish this later" and then never come back to it that i am concerned with never actually filling out my thoughts here. I will still leave because i hope that my having pointed all of this out will in fact help remind me to come back and address this blog. i've got enough other crap on my mind that it may get lost up in there, it may be something i focus on so as to better ignore other things... i don't know. we'll see
Specific Events of the the Present
It has been awhile since i've written here. There are some things to update many of which i feel i will have forgotten before i am finished and thus will be lost as so many other thoughts are. Some of these thoughts deal with very immediate and tangible events, others are more abstract and idea-like. These two types of thoughts inter-weave between each other that it can often be hard to distinguish the difference(s). The first thing that brings me to this blog is recent events involving Aryn Blase. I have known this woman well over a decade now. I have always found her attractive both physically as well as personally. She and i have maintained a very flirty relationship. Her most recent boyfriend, Sam was when this truly came to fruition. She and I have kissed previously but fairly chaste and both of us were single. On her birthday I took her out to dinner, and at the end of the night, in the apartment that she and he shared we kissed passionately. It was short lived as both of us knew it was wrong, but we did. We stopped kissing seconds before Sam came in. He came in and she jumped up and greeted him with a kiss. I do not believe i have ever been so internally upset at seeing a woman kiss a man as i was right then. I made my exit and to the best of my knowledge he does not know of what occurred. This event is significant because it paints that there is a mutual attraction between aryn and myself. One that would allow us to violate rules we know we ought not. Since then our flirty relationship has become increasingly physical. Last night, April 2nd 2011 I spent almost all afternoon, evening and night with aryn. We drank, we had fun, she met some of my friends. Over the course of our conversations throughout the day she told me of a guy she had met. Sloan. She had fallen for him. Hard. It came up that marriage was being considered and i asked her what her answer would be if he proposed... she said that she would say "yes." that bit. At the end of the night i took aryn home (this is at roughly 6am). We kissed and then while lying on her bed we proceeded to talk. During this talk i told her that i was in love with her. I told her that we should be together. I told her i know her heart is elsewhere and that though i may not like it, i understand it. I also told her that i'm done being her friend. I told her that i can make her happy. I told her that it tears me up seeing her with other guys or hearing about it. To end the conversation i told her to not text or call me unless it was because she was getting married or she was ready to give "us" a shot. we hugged. we kissed. i left. The majority of me feels as though i made the right decision. part of me regrets it, but i think it regrets the turning down the attention she gave rather than anything deeper. because though it was usually just making out and innocent flirting, i enjoyed having that. i have now cut myself off from that because it's not enough, and it isn't. i will miss that but i want and need more than that, and i have no right to ask for more if i can sit contentedly with less. so all-in-all i feel this was a big step forward. the second one in the last year (the first was telling rachel boykin that i didn't feel as though we had any reason to talk ever again).
I will, and do miss what i had with aryn, both as a friend and also as a physical outlet for my desire for attention. She knew me pretty well. She liked to think she knew me better than she did, but i am willing to let her think that. It may sound arrogant but i can't help but think that one day, sooner than later she will call me. Her call will be because she thinks we should try what we have... I honestly, even now, don't know what i will say to that. If she were to call tonight i don't know what i would say. I want to. I firmly believe she and i would be really good together. I also worry about things. I worry about things about her as well as about myself. I know i have many many issues that need to be resolved, but i feel i have them under control enough and that i have made enough progress with them that i can begin to work on finding someone to be with.
My concerns with her involve her sesxual history amongst other things. No woman wants to think of her self as easy, as a slut, a tease or as the type of girl that "gets around." the fact that i'm learning is that so many women are/do. Perhaps my standards are unreasonably high on that count, but i have had sex with two women. Aryn i know has had sex with at least half a dozen, and i'm guessing the number is higher than that. It is not by her choice that she and i have not slept together. My friend from CO, kayla, she and i almost slept together, and i wouldn't have been her first, and i have very strong reason to believe that she had sex with adam while i was asleep in the room on our last trip. This paints an image of her that i don't really like. Jenn Stoudt, married to a good friend of mine, she went through a phase where she was incredibly sexually active. She has her own number. Carolyn, not a huge surprise but she gets incredibly defensive about her number. More to the point of my image of aryn... i kissed her while she was dating another guy. i wouldn't want to be the guy she's dating while she's kissing other dudes. we always toned down our flirty ways when the boyfriend was around, but that suggests that we knew we shouldn't act like that. we justified it by saying it would just make him uncomfortable and as long as nothing came of our flirting then there's no reason we should stop nor should we tell him and make it harder for us to hang out. as i think about it now, i believe my reasoning was that i enjoyed it, even knowing it was wrong and not the way i should treat a woman with a boyfriend. the reason i hid it was not to keep him from being uncomfortable but rather to ensure that i would be able to have time alone with her to continue flirting and receiving that type of attention. aryn has a lot of male friends, and trust is important in any relationship, it would be especially so in one with her and i. i don't want to think of myself as jealous but i can be. i try and not show it even when i am, and most of the time i do a decent job of it... but i think aryn catches on more than most. not all of the time by any means... but more than most.
i think about her, often. i want to support her in everything she is and has done and will do. but i can't continue to be happy with half. i deserve a woman who's willing to commit to me what i'm willing to commit to her. right now i feel as if i'm finally ready to commit 100%. i enjoy video games, movies and beer and sports. i hope to find a woman who enjoys similar things. I do not intend to change who i am, but i am willing to curb my use and involvement in all of the above listed items for the right person.
i wonder if aryn was the right person and i just threw that all away
i wonder if aryn is the right person and i'm finally man enough to be the right person for her.
i hearby promise myself to stick to this action. I will not reach out and contact her. if there is to be any communication between me and her it will be initiated by her. i will not go back to being what we have been, either she and i give a legitimate shot to being together or we don't. if we try and don't work out, i can be a friend, but until we try i no longer consider her a friend.
I will, and do miss what i had with aryn, both as a friend and also as a physical outlet for my desire for attention. She knew me pretty well. She liked to think she knew me better than she did, but i am willing to let her think that. It may sound arrogant but i can't help but think that one day, sooner than later she will call me. Her call will be because she thinks we should try what we have... I honestly, even now, don't know what i will say to that. If she were to call tonight i don't know what i would say. I want to. I firmly believe she and i would be really good together. I also worry about things. I worry about things about her as well as about myself. I know i have many many issues that need to be resolved, but i feel i have them under control enough and that i have made enough progress with them that i can begin to work on finding someone to be with.
My concerns with her involve her sesxual history amongst other things. No woman wants to think of her self as easy, as a slut, a tease or as the type of girl that "gets around." the fact that i'm learning is that so many women are/do. Perhaps my standards are unreasonably high on that count, but i have had sex with two women. Aryn i know has had sex with at least half a dozen, and i'm guessing the number is higher than that. It is not by her choice that she and i have not slept together. My friend from CO, kayla, she and i almost slept together, and i wouldn't have been her first, and i have very strong reason to believe that she had sex with adam while i was asleep in the room on our last trip. This paints an image of her that i don't really like. Jenn Stoudt, married to a good friend of mine, she went through a phase where she was incredibly sexually active. She has her own number. Carolyn, not a huge surprise but she gets incredibly defensive about her number. More to the point of my image of aryn... i kissed her while she was dating another guy. i wouldn't want to be the guy she's dating while she's kissing other dudes. we always toned down our flirty ways when the boyfriend was around, but that suggests that we knew we shouldn't act like that. we justified it by saying it would just make him uncomfortable and as long as nothing came of our flirting then there's no reason we should stop nor should we tell him and make it harder for us to hang out. as i think about it now, i believe my reasoning was that i enjoyed it, even knowing it was wrong and not the way i should treat a woman with a boyfriend. the reason i hid it was not to keep him from being uncomfortable but rather to ensure that i would be able to have time alone with her to continue flirting and receiving that type of attention. aryn has a lot of male friends, and trust is important in any relationship, it would be especially so in one with her and i. i don't want to think of myself as jealous but i can be. i try and not show it even when i am, and most of the time i do a decent job of it... but i think aryn catches on more than most. not all of the time by any means... but more than most.
i think about her, often. i want to support her in everything she is and has done and will do. but i can't continue to be happy with half. i deserve a woman who's willing to commit to me what i'm willing to commit to her. right now i feel as if i'm finally ready to commit 100%. i enjoy video games, movies and beer and sports. i hope to find a woman who enjoys similar things. I do not intend to change who i am, but i am willing to curb my use and involvement in all of the above listed items for the right person.
i wonder if aryn was the right person and i just threw that all away
i wonder if aryn is the right person and i'm finally man enough to be the right person for her.
i hearby promise myself to stick to this action. I will not reach out and contact her. if there is to be any communication between me and her it will be initiated by her. i will not go back to being what we have been, either she and i give a legitimate shot to being together or we don't. if we try and don't work out, i can be a friend, but until we try i no longer consider her a friend.
Sunday, January 23, 2011
Follow-Up
It is odd to write something and know that the next time I go into look at it there will be no comments, no "_____ likes your note" or anything like that. Facebook has conditioned me to expect these things and so it think that comes in to play when a person writes something they know will be read by others. Truth to tell, I believe I am writing as if I expect someone to read this one day and that of course will change what I say... I do have to wonder how much of an impact that is having on what i write. I think this will be a shorter post. For the sake of reference here is my current status:
Hot yoga, i almost passed out a few times, was pretty rough on the legs and so both of my hamstrings are super sore, but I intend to go back soon, it is now a goal of mine to go through an entire session and manage to do every pose, maybe not as well as everyone else, but to be able to at least do them and hold them as long as is expected of me.
Tired, went out w/ roy last night, got home at 4am, the baby's mama has a friend, porche who's smoking hot... also spent the evening w/ mallory and her boyfriend and jessica and her boyfriend, and a group of their friends. it was a fun and chill night. I'm looking forward to having dinner w/ carol at the Waterfront Seafood Grill, a place i won a gift certificate for at the Willow's work party. it's a lot of fun having her as a friend. I like having a friend with whom i can go out to eat and try new places or new foods and all of that jazz. should be a good week i hope!
Hot yoga, i almost passed out a few times, was pretty rough on the legs and so both of my hamstrings are super sore, but I intend to go back soon, it is now a goal of mine to go through an entire session and manage to do every pose, maybe not as well as everyone else, but to be able to at least do them and hold them as long as is expected of me.
Tired, went out w/ roy last night, got home at 4am, the baby's mama has a friend, porche who's smoking hot... also spent the evening w/ mallory and her boyfriend and jessica and her boyfriend, and a group of their friends. it was a fun and chill night. I'm looking forward to having dinner w/ carol at the Waterfront Seafood Grill, a place i won a gift certificate for at the Willow's work party. it's a lot of fun having her as a friend. I like having a friend with whom i can go out to eat and try new places or new foods and all of that jazz. should be a good week i hope!
Friday, January 21, 2011
Establishing a foundation
Well every book starts with a word, every song with a note and every blog with a post... with that said here is my start. I'm not strictly sure what the purpose of this blog will be. It may turn into a private journal for my own reading and reflection, I may eventually share the link to this with others, and someone may randomly happen across this and be intrigued by what I have to say. I'm not opposed to any of these occurring, at least not yet. If you are reading this and you don't know me especially well I'll let you in on some information about me, I frequently correct the grammar of my friends but I often make the same mistakes. I sometimes forget to use caps when writing, especially with the word "I." As I don't have a specific purpose for this blog I expect it will be mostly just my thoughts and ideas laid out to reflect upon later. With that said, I expect this blog to be incredibly text-heavy. Some blogs I've seen, especially on tumblr seem to be made up mostly of pictures, .gif files and other whimsical images... While I find them entertaining, I do not expect this to be the venue I chose to put these things.
To address the present, it is 2:54pm on Friday, January 21st, 2011. Two days ago I got my watch back from the jewelery store, which has me excited, in about an hour I will be preparing for my first hot yoga session and later tonight I will work at the Willows Lodge, doing the night audit. I am writing all of this in hopes of creating a reference point, should I look back I am confident that These details that are occupying my mind will be forgotten as they are trivial at best, made especially so by the passing of time and the compilation of events that I hope my life will contain. Pandora is currently playing songs from a Something Corporate station, and I can't seem to get Aryn off of my mind. That last statement isn't strictly true, I am at a point where I'm not quite sure what to do about her.
With respects to romance and whatnot, my life has remained very simple and straightforward for the last few years. With some small exceptions, romance has not been a major part of my life... at least outside of my head it has not. Searching for a mate, debating whether or not I will eventually find one and other thoughts along this line have of course plagued my thoughts and mind for years upon years, but I feel I've done a fairly solid job of not letting these insecurities and concerns affect my life on a major scale. While I lived in CO I had a short fling with Sarah McNew. A very nice girl but looking back I knew going in that this was not love, I am happy I did not tell her I loved her. But we had fun together for a short time. She being the one exception, I have not had a girlfriend (and even then it is questionable whether or not she is to be counted as a gf) since Ashley Ayers, a woman I worked with at Trader Joe's... this would have been I believe somewhere around 2005, something that I think ended somewhere around march of 06. Which means I'm going on just shy of 5 years of being single... So I feel I'm justified in not knowing how I feel about the idea of becoming involved in a committed relationship. It's new ground for me. I've been in a relationship before, but that was high school time, this is different and should be treated differently. Aryn is very flirty and flighty, and I love that about her, but I wonder how I would view that if I were dating her. I do get jealous, but I believe I do a great job of not letting it show, sometimes to the point of seeing apathetic when I shouldn't be. Maybe the only people who aren't jealous are the ones who don't care in the first place. Everyone else is jealous, some just do a better job of hiding it than others. I wonder how I'd do with her personality. I'm used to not having to worry about what a potential gf would think of my behavior, I'm used to being able to flirt with anyone I want. I'm comfortable doing whatever I want with my time rather than checking to see what my significant other is up to. With that said, I would like to check with Aryn to see what she is up to. Not because I worry about her or what she's doing, but rather because I like spending time with her. She's one of the people I enjoy being around even when we're not doing anything related to the other person. I am confident that if she was in a room reading a book while I was in the same room blogging I would enjoy it more just because she was nearby. I'm not sure how many other friends I can say that about. I think there are a few, she is not the only one, but it is a short list.
Just finished another glass of water, I think i'll be plenty hydrated for hot yoga, in fact i'm starting to worry that i'll have to piss every 12 seconds once the session starts. Fingers crossed that I can make it through this and that i enjoy it and that it turns out to be healthy. I'd love to get into better shape, not just for me, but also because I like the idea of aryn being attracted to me. =)
That'll be the end of this first post. Nothing has really changed, but it is nice to know my thoughts are available to those that know where to look. So many thoughts and ideas enter our minds that are discarded or forgotten, there is some reassurance in knowing that these will remain... for a time at least.
-DP
To address the present, it is 2:54pm on Friday, January 21st, 2011. Two days ago I got my watch back from the jewelery store, which has me excited, in about an hour I will be preparing for my first hot yoga session and later tonight I will work at the Willows Lodge, doing the night audit. I am writing all of this in hopes of creating a reference point, should I look back I am confident that These details that are occupying my mind will be forgotten as they are trivial at best, made especially so by the passing of time and the compilation of events that I hope my life will contain. Pandora is currently playing songs from a Something Corporate station, and I can't seem to get Aryn off of my mind. That last statement isn't strictly true, I am at a point where I'm not quite sure what to do about her.
With respects to romance and whatnot, my life has remained very simple and straightforward for the last few years. With some small exceptions, romance has not been a major part of my life... at least outside of my head it has not. Searching for a mate, debating whether or not I will eventually find one and other thoughts along this line have of course plagued my thoughts and mind for years upon years, but I feel I've done a fairly solid job of not letting these insecurities and concerns affect my life on a major scale. While I lived in CO I had a short fling with Sarah McNew. A very nice girl but looking back I knew going in that this was not love, I am happy I did not tell her I loved her. But we had fun together for a short time. She being the one exception, I have not had a girlfriend (and even then it is questionable whether or not she is to be counted as a gf) since Ashley Ayers, a woman I worked with at Trader Joe's... this would have been I believe somewhere around 2005, something that I think ended somewhere around march of 06. Which means I'm going on just shy of 5 years of being single... So I feel I'm justified in not knowing how I feel about the idea of becoming involved in a committed relationship. It's new ground for me. I've been in a relationship before, but that was high school time, this is different and should be treated differently. Aryn is very flirty and flighty, and I love that about her, but I wonder how I would view that if I were dating her. I do get jealous, but I believe I do a great job of not letting it show, sometimes to the point of seeing apathetic when I shouldn't be. Maybe the only people who aren't jealous are the ones who don't care in the first place. Everyone else is jealous, some just do a better job of hiding it than others. I wonder how I'd do with her personality. I'm used to not having to worry about what a potential gf would think of my behavior, I'm used to being able to flirt with anyone I want. I'm comfortable doing whatever I want with my time rather than checking to see what my significant other is up to. With that said, I would like to check with Aryn to see what she is up to. Not because I worry about her or what she's doing, but rather because I like spending time with her. She's one of the people I enjoy being around even when we're not doing anything related to the other person. I am confident that if she was in a room reading a book while I was in the same room blogging I would enjoy it more just because she was nearby. I'm not sure how many other friends I can say that about. I think there are a few, she is not the only one, but it is a short list.
Just finished another glass of water, I think i'll be plenty hydrated for hot yoga, in fact i'm starting to worry that i'll have to piss every 12 seconds once the session starts. Fingers crossed that I can make it through this and that i enjoy it and that it turns out to be healthy. I'd love to get into better shape, not just for me, but also because I like the idea of aryn being attracted to me. =)
That'll be the end of this first post. Nothing has really changed, but it is nice to know my thoughts are available to those that know where to look. So many thoughts and ideas enter our minds that are discarded or forgotten, there is some reassurance in knowing that these will remain... for a time at least.
-DP
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